Make-up’eth the Man

Frank Sinatra famously said, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink – when they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they are going to feel all day” Funny and true (however, he is not accounting for the fact that people who DON’T drink alcohol, probably feel a hell of a lot better in the morning than he can ever hope to.)

Regardless. This is how I feel about Make-Up.

I feel sorry for people who “don’t”, “won’t” or “CAN’T” use make-up. And by ‘people’ let’s just go ahead and generalise to say ‘Men’. Men can’t wear make-up. With the fabulous exception of the Ru-Pauls out there, But they are aiming at looking like women. I’m talking about a many Camel man, straddling his latest kill and pausing to touch up his Cherry lip-gloss before the victory photo. Imagine that.

He's already a Ginger... Nothing to lose?

No, Men- We have to take you or leave you – just as you are. For better or worse – (but if Uncle Frankie can teach us anything, at least we have the release of alcohol, to slap some pretty bleary beer goggle onto our faces, tinting you with a whiskey-golden glow and red wine lips.)

At what point in history did women say, “No – you may not paint your faces like us, if you do we will call you a pansy and laugh behind our hands at you” ? In every other species, the female is the ugly, plain – make-up-less one, the Pea-hen not the Pea-COCK (if you’ll pardon the innuendo) but somehow, human men got the raw deal. Or maybe the women did. We have to parade around attracting attention, like pea-COCKS.

I’m not complaining. Not complaining at all. I don’t want him leaving mascara stains on my pillow cases or getting lipstick smudges on my collar – imagine the roles were reversed? (I can hear the distant scream of many a female, clutching to her bag of Mac in terror… oh no, wait, that’s not distant – that’s me in the mirror.)

Yes, it’s terrifying to even  JOKE about having our superhero power of jet black lash-lengthening mascara, lip-plumping juicy gloss and porcelain doll blusher taken away. Let alone the concealer. That sneaky pimple that grew in the middle of the night before your hot date? Oh no, that’s gotta STAY. So do those tired bags under your eyes… and… I actually can’t type more. I’m going into catatonic terror at the thought.

Men going into department stores in clusters of 3 or 4, hovering around the Loreal and Revlon counters, trying on shades of lipstick, asking about shimmer creams and bronzers. Imagine them painting their nails, and holding their fingers out to admire the work. Imagine straight, manly men – blowing on freshly painted fingernails to make sure the new Purple-Grey (That’s SO in right now) looks great for his date.

She won't be able to resist me when I flutter these lashes...

I guess my Random high five has got to go to Men. For defying nature, and all the normal shows of display that birds, frogs and a big mane of hair on a lion are there for. Let us be birds, or chicks… and we’ll kiss the frogs, as long as we can keep the volumising shampoo that smells like flowers for OUR mane of hair, not yours.

Unless of course you look like this guy below… and you want to wear a little eye liner. Ala Jared Leto in 30 Seconds to Mars or Johnny Depp…

My eyes are up HERE ladies...

*High Five* for guys like this – keeping girls like us in front of the mirror with our Mac.. so that we may get our (other kind of) MAC on!

 

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