Dear Diary, All that glitters is not Gold, sometimes it’s a pale kid who thinks he’s a Vampire.
If you’ve seen any social media site in the last 48 hours, listened to the radio, or heard the distant adolescent screams of ovaries popping with excitement – you’d know that one of TV’s sexiest Vamps,Ian Somerhalder aka Damon Salvatore from Vampire Diaries has rolled into South Africa. He broke the news with a casual tweet:
@iansomerhalder Beautiful morning in Johannesburg. Back in Africa- so very happy to be back ;) – 11 May 2011
Now if you’re male you probably don’t see how this (and every other tweet from him) is dripping with the sex that only exudes from tweets written on famous, hot people’s smart-phones. (He probably has the hot new iphone. But not the white one, he’s the evil vampire, evil people have black things.) My Ovaries jumped. “Damon is in South Africa! Stand back ladies, mama wants her prize!”
So who the hell is this vampire? Why was he the number one trending topic on Twitter (worldwide) for 21hours on 10th May 2011, With the words “Poor Damon” ? And then the next day his name was a trending topic in South Africa because he arrived?
And since when did girls stop squealing and being afraid of the concept of bloodsucking killers, and instead start shrieking and being teenagers?
And who sparkles? Why doesn’ t garlic work? Which one is hard as stone and (speaking of hard) which one can actually have sex?
Well, Damon Salvatore CAN have sex. And he does. And he kills girls, and he’s evil – but misunderstood (and that’s sexy.)
So, as far as Vampires go: He’s not the gayest most sparkley kind. And we’re very happy to have him in our country’s borders. Especially since he’s doing all this great charity work, saving animals… Sorry boys, you don’t stand a chance. He’s pure sex and evil on screen and spends his time doing animal rescue off-screen. *Think of the puppy dog’s ikkle wikkle begging eyes*
He has his very own charity called:
He cares about the planet and defenseless animals. He uses his fame for a good cause. And he’s ridiculously hot. Game Over.
I think I just heard a few more single, cat owner’s squeals and ovaries pop out there in SA.
‘Vampire Diaries’ is almost unashamedly a spin off from the success of Twilight and the Vampy Edward Cullen with his celibate, (no sex till marriage, shoot me in the head, please) ways.
I’m going to assume you have seen at least one of the Twilight films. If you’re a girl you have gone to the movies with girlfriends (and either loved them or hated them – or perved them.)
If you’re a boy you probably have also seen them with girlfriends who (hopefully) had to drag you and bribe you with promises of “Birthday style” sex.
Either way, you know it’s about a sweet little Vampire boy who falls in love with an emo, grumpy high-school girl. The Twilight Vampires are really pale and cold to the touch with ‘made of marble’ type skin that infamously SPARKLES in the sun.
(Now that’s an ingenious marketing ploy… a hot boy who sparkles in the sun? Girls love sparkley things! Oh yes, we do.)
Edward is a pretty schweet superhero though, and you’d be hardpressed to keep him away from your girl if he really wanted her. Pretty much the only thing you can do to keep him away is be a Native American Indian, and live on the reserve where he’s not allowed to go – aka: Be a werewolf.
He can read your mind, he can run like The Flash, smash things like The Hulk, climb trees like Spiderman, stop high-speed moving things like Superman and drive cars like Batman. And he wont die unless you rip him limb from limb and burn him – which is basically impossible (as a human), since he’s pretty much made of stone. The only thing this super-hero doesn’t do is: Eat people. He doesn’t even eat-out his girlfriend, Bella. *side eye*
He calls himself vegetarian. But don’t go thinking that you can poison him with some sneaky garlic pesto on organic pasta… because he doesn’t eat ‘food’ he eats animals. Yes, a vegetarian, bunny murdering, adorable – indestructible- Vampire Man. He’s even got a lot of money. So you’re pretty screwed against his Flash/Hulk/Spiderman/Batman/Superman(except for flying) superhero coolness. Unless you’re a werewolf. Or another vampire. Or, actually WILLING to have sex with your girl. *side eye*
Now i’m all for NOT advocating pre-marital sex to the young skanky teens of today, but what the hell is a hot blooded female supposed to do with this nonsense of steamy kisses and lingering looks that Twilight gives us?
Well, I’ll tell you what we’re supposed to do- we’re supposed to start watching Vampire Diaries.
Dear dear dear Diary, if you have not watched this: the eye candy is fattening. Even the legendary Steve McQueen’s grandson (Aptly named Steven R. McQueen, lest anyone forget) is one of the characters: Jeremy, Baby bro of the Heroine: Elena.
It has good vampires, bad vampires, really bad vampires, vampire hunters, old vampires, new vampires and if you’re sick of vampires it also has witches, warlocks, werewolves and the lead is a doppelganger. (Twice the hotness for the boys – can someone say, “Identical twins fantasy”? *high five*)
The good news is that Damon is a much lesser adversary when it comes to superhero powers.
He can control people’s minds but he doesn’t seem to use that too effectively. He can’t even steal the girl he’s really in love with away from her boyfriend (his brother) and spends the show brooding about this. (“Poor Damon”)
He doesn’t sparkle in the sunshine and it can kill him. Thank God, something normal. But wait – he does have a “magic ring” that makes him impervious to sunlight *facepalm*
So as long as he’s wearing that ring, he won’t die. But maybe, whilst he’s in SA you can ask him for a manly game of indoor Action Cricket – during the day. He’ll have to take it off to play sport – and therein lies your window of opportunity. Trick him and invite him outside under the pretense that the neigbourhood is having a blood-drive outdoors… or simply fling open the curtains. Voila. Vampire Braai. (“Poor Damon”)
He’s not allergic to garlic – but he IS allergic to Vervain it will render him paralysed for a while after administered.
A sneaky syringe injection of this oil, or even spiking his whiskey will do it. (“Poor Damon”)
The BAD news is: That according to Google, vervain only REALLY exists on the TV show, Vampire Diaries. But it’s a sub species of Verbena, So go out and scour old-bookstores, you’re bound to find a crazy old sage or homeless person who will give you the secret to finding it. I mean, it always happens in movies, and that’s like real life. Right? So I suggest giving your girlfriend bunches of vervain flowers, it also protects her from Damon’s mind control super-power so you might want to put some in jewellery and make sure she wears it all the time so he is rendered powerless. (Poor Damon.) Plus: She’ll think you’re romantic and sweet and also be more likely to put out if you give her things. Win-win.
He’s ALSO pretty susceptible to wooden stakes through the heart.
Those are easy to make, cheap to source and pretty effective once administered appropriately. Be Warned he does possess a degree of The Flash and The Hulk that Edward of Twilight does, so you’ll have to be pretty sneaky when jumping out at him armed with the lethal branch. I suggest dark alleys outside pubs in Long Street as the best bet. Damon loves to get his drink on. Both alcoholic and human.
If you happen to know a werewolf and it happens to be a full moon, you can rid the world of Damon by getting your canine friend to bite him, just once. It will give him rabies type of dementia, from which the only release will be death. (Poor Damon.)
If these weren’t enough ways to overcome the lures of the puppy hugging, hot girl shagging Damon/Ian Somerhalder – there is also the age old Vampire lore that he (and not Edward) is bound by. He cannot enter a human’s house without being invited in. It’s a pretty great party trick and you might want to invite all your friends over to watch the match on a Saturday, crack open a few beers and then all watch the fun, as Damon walks slap-bang into thin air as if it were triple-paned glass. You hold all the power in this one. He cannot come in unless you say it’s ok. (Poor Damon)
(Make sure you gave him the ring back after Action Cricket though, or else he can’t come over – he’ll be too busy dying in the sunshine.)
There is also the other lead of Vampire Diaries. The good brother, Stefan Salvatore (Actor: Paul Wesley) He’s the one that is madly in love with the lead Doppelganger girl, Elena. (So is Damon, but Elena actually loves Stefan BACK – “Poor Damon”.) But Stefan’s not worth arming yourself against because he’s too good… and boring. He’s the “vegetarian”, “one woman loving”, “gelled hair” and “Lingering looks” kind of Vampire – like Edward Cullen. He may as well sparkle in the sunshine, he’s that lame. But he doesn’t, he has a “magic ring” too.
Besides, he’s not in South Africa right now, Ian Somerhalder is. So Damon, if you’re listening… “I invite you into my bedroom. feel free to come as you please”. I don’t have a werewolf hiding under my bed, but can think of other doggy-like things to re-enact. (That’s what she said!)
Visit Ian’s charity www.isfoundation.com and find out how you can help. You can always impress a pretty girl by telling her how you helped an Animal Fund. And girls, you can impress Ian Somerhalder by showing him how much you care.
Besides, we all love animals, whether you’re a dog person, a cat person or a snake person. Wink wink. *high five*
Thanks to @Derro_SA @Yazurd @DeanOelsch @matha_m @Khutsie @Popana68 @TimTam27 @LiLi_M88 @SheBeeGee @lipsticklove22 @Vivaciosness @EmmanuelTjiya @Palesa_Lisa @Gwinigoogo for all the @iansomerhalder Tweets and Humour the day he landed in South Africa, and was seen at Sandton City, Nelson Mandela Square.